I have been thinking a lot about time travel lately. Not so much about whether it is possible or how it could be accomplished, but how I could make money off of it without having to invent it. Unfortunately, I simply do not have the scientific aptitude needed to actually create time travel. But I have been hearing a lot of nice things lately about 'money' and I was thinking I should try and acquire some. The trouble is that I am, at heart, an idea man. That is to say, I am lazy and would like to be paid without having to actually do anything. So, time travel.
My first plan has already failed. I sent a certifed letter to Western Union to hold until it could be delivered and addressed it to "The Inventor of Time Travel." Inside, I politely requested a brief visit for an interview and that I would be available all day on November 30, 2009. He (or she) never showed, I assume because he checked the newspaper archives and discovered that I had never published an article about him and he therefore suspected I was up to no good. Touche, inventor of time travel. Touche.
But that got me to thinking about time travellers. I have seen enough movies to know that everytime someone goes back in time, the future ends up completely different (and usually worse). So, if time travel is ever going to be invented, the present has probably already been changed numerous times (for the worse) and that is why I am currently living the life I am now instead of the one I want to live. It is not that I am lazy and waste all of my time on get-rich-quick schemes involving the manipulation of time, space, and quantum probability, it is time travellers from the future. We're all victims, in fact, its not just me. You expected more out of your life, didn't you? Don't you think you deserve it? Its not your fault that the present is failing to live up to the promises of the past. Its all in my book: "Blame All of Your Problems on Careless Time Travellers from the Future." Coming soon to a book store near you. Reserve your copy today.