Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Postal Service, Insurance Offered by

I am very suspicious of postal insurance. When the post office employee asks me "would you like to insure this," I am always tempted to ask "why, what are you planning to do it?" The trouble is, I always thought the insurance should be implied. I give them the package, they deliver it safely and intact. When I get in a taxi cab, the guy doesn't ask me if I want life insurance. It is implied that he will deliver me safely and intact to my destination.

The whole "would you like insurance" question always reminds me of a mob shakedown.

"So, what's in the package? Is it, ya know, valuable?"
"Well, kind of..."
"You should, ya know, insure it... packages like that can be very delicate. It'd be a shame if it had an accident."

While we are on the subject, what is it that they do the packages that aren't marked 'fragile?' And what is with the instructions not to 'fold, spindle, or mutliate.' I can understand the fold thing, spindling just seems archaically quaint right now, but asking them not to mutilate my package also seems like it should be an implied request. "I'd like to mail this, and please don't chop it into confetti."

Santa, Belief in in Christmas Films; Santa, Nonlocality of

I have been watching Christmas movies and specials lately. In movies in which Santa exists and actually delivers presents, why is it that adults still don't believe in him? Where do they think the presents they didn't buy are coming from?


I finally figured out the mystery of Santa Claus. He can deliver presents to all of the little children of the world in one night easily by exploiting quantum theory. Somehow, he is able to exist as a superposition of waveforms and is therefore nonlocal. I suspect he can use some form of Christmas magic to suspend self-observation. Not only does he deliver all of the presents on one night, he does so simultaneously and instantly. Provided he isn't observed. The moment he is observed, Christmas is ruined. That is why it is vitally important that children go to bed before Santa comes.

"I want to stay up and see Santa!"
"You have to go to bed or else you'll collapse Santa's waveform and ruin Christmas for the entire rest of the world. Is that what you want?"


This also explains how he can get down chimneys, even when no chimney exists. See: barrier penetration.

Friday, December 4, 2009

My New Project

I have been thinking a lot about time travel lately. Not so much about whether it is possible or how it could be accomplished, but how I could make money off of it without having to invent it. Unfortunately, I simply do not have the scientific aptitude needed to actually create time travel. But I have been hearing a lot of nice things lately about 'money' and I was thinking I should try and acquire some. The trouble is that I am, at heart, an idea man. That is to say, I am lazy and would like to be paid without having to actually do anything. So, time travel.

My first plan has already failed. I sent a certifed letter to Western Union to hold until it could be delivered and addressed it to "The Inventor of Time Travel." Inside, I politely requested a brief visit for an interview and that I would be available all day on November 30, 2009. He (or she) never showed, I assume because he checked the newspaper archives and discovered that I had never published an article about him and he therefore suspected I was up to no good. Touche, inventor of time travel. Touche.

But that got me to thinking about time travellers. I have seen enough movies to know that everytime someone goes back in time, the future ends up completely different (and usually worse). So, if time travel is ever going to be invented, the present has probably already been changed numerous times (for the worse) and that is why I am currently living the life I am now instead of the one I want to live. It is not that I am lazy and waste all of my time on get-rich-quick schemes involving the manipulation of time, space, and quantum probability, it is time travellers from the future. We're all victims, in fact, its not just me. You expected more out of your life, didn't you? Don't you think you deserve it? Its not your fault that the present is failing to live up to the promises of the past. Its all in my book: "Blame All of Your Problems on Careless Time Travellers from the Future." Coming soon to a book store near you. Reserve your copy today.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Save Money and Time by Being a Jerk

When you are on the phone with technical support, the moment you loudly and rudely assert that something cannot possibly be the problem because you checked it several times and have been working with it for years without issue and have done nothing differently today when the moronic company's worthless product stopped working and insist that the fellow on the other end of the phone must have his cranium lodged, impossibly, in his rect....


When you are on the phone with technical support, the moment you loudly and rudely assert that something cannot be the problem, you have virtually guaranteed the problem will turn out to be exactly what you said it cannot be. This is true even if you checked it three times and really do know what you are doing. This isn't news to anyone, I know. We know that nature abohors a jerk and will take every opportunity to embarass one.

But there is a way to make this work for you if you don't mind being a jerk anyway. And lets face it, after you have spent more than fifteen minutes on the phone with tech support, you're probably feeling pretty jerkish. So, whenever you call tech support, always become rude right away and insist, loudly and obnoxiously, that the problem cannot be something that is cheap and extremely easy to fix. For a computer, I suggest screaming at the person for even suggesting the computer is not plugged in, or perhaps that the problem cannot possibly be the "Hello, Kitty" stickers you have decorated the casing with.

For the same reason, when dealing a mechanic, never under circumstances say: "it can't possibly the transmission, it doesn't feel like the transmission, you moron" or "cracked engine block? I'll crack your engine block." Be warned, your better mechanics will actually try and bait you into doing exactly this.